


Undone

by Blankets



Category: Collar x Malice (Visual Novel)
Genre: Drama, F/M, Please Don't Kill Me, Pseudo-Incest, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 22:19:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16250927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blankets/pseuds/Blankets
Summary: He hadn't realized before that she was throwing herself straight into hell with only his name as a prayer.





	Undone

**Author's Note:**

> *BIG ASS WARNING*: I WILL FUCKING RIP CANON APART SO THAT THIS WILL NOT BE INCEST PLEASE AND THANK YOU

He wouldn't reply no matter how much she knocked on his door. Ichika bit her lip and fought back the sting of tears.

She expected him to yell at her for knocking, at least. Not this cold silence. Her cake sat alone in the living room, all candles waiting to be lit. She called him again. She knocked on his door once more. 

“Kazuki, open up,” she pleaded. 

She sighed as she was met with silence. She couldn't even blame the fact that he wasn't home, because she knew he was still in his room. If he had left for Akito’s house, then she wouldn't have to know he was going out of his way to ignore her. 

They always celebrated their birthdays together. Until three years ago, after he moved in with her. Their relationship had taken a downturn, and gradually, her younger brother distanced himself further and further away from her. 

She dropped her hand and leaned against his door. “I made you a cake,” she said quietly, knowing he was listening. “Come join me when you can.”

She waited a few beats. There was shuffling from the other side of the door, but not a word from him. He must have been doing something important, she told herself. More important than celebrating his birthday. 

*****

He could play the waiting game for far longer than it took for her to give up. He had been sleeping when she knocked on his door, and had begun cleaning his guitar as she left. 

Cake, she says. Like that was going to be enough to lure him out. Like that would mend any part of their relationship. 

He gritted his teeth at the thought of her, always carefree and cheerful, even in front of his glares. She irked him beyond compare, even more so than his parents. 

At least his parents would have been angry at him when they'd figure out he wanted to be a musician. She never mentioned it. All he ever got was her badgering about how he'd bother the neighbours or that his guitar playing was too loud. She never even asked why he played. She lived with him and not once gave a thought to why he insisted on playing guitar. 

If he thought about it, she knew almost nothing about him. And yet she had the audacity to try to celebrate his birthday with him. 

Every year she took the day off on this day. Every year he at least amused her by eating her cake. The first two years they had done so, he sat with her and ate her cake. Their relationship had just began its cracking then. The third year, they did much less talking. 

This year, he hadn't wanted to be home at all. If Akito hadn't insisted he stayed, then he would have been out having a drink with his friends and bandmates. 

He shook the thoughts away. He put off his jacket and left his room. On his way out, he noticed her pair of shoes resting where they always were.

He had been practicing his guitar for hours now. By the looks of the time on his phone, almost 7 whole hours. She was never home at this time. He checked the living room to be sure.

Just as he thought, she was still there. Her head lolled on the side of the table, a tiny amount of drool escaping the corner of her lips. She was sound asleep right in front of the birthday cake she made him.

“You idiot…” He groused. 

She shouldn’t have waited for him! DIdn’t he make it clear he wanted no part of her today? She should have been out on her day off, hanging with those irritating men always surrounding her. Not waiting in an empty living room with an unlit birthday cake for her ungrateful brother.

He grit his teeth, but moved closer hesitantly. She was a light sleeper— then again, who wasn’t these days? He sat down, keeping some distance between them.

The vulnerable face she showed when she was asleep pissed him off to no end. No matter what she did wrong, she’d always be innocent. Even though he seethed at the thought of how little she cared about him, she’d always be innocent to him. She’d never know what she did wrong. She’d carry on like always, doing that stupid cop thing she’d always wanted to do while he shouldered the responsibilities of the family.

God, he hated her.

Yet his hand reached for her face like it had its own consciousness. He pulled it back before it touched her. He stared at it in disbelief.

She wrinkled her nose and made a noise before adjusting her head. He sat in grim anticipation, but all that happened was that her hair fell on her face.

Unable to help himself, he reached out once more, telling himself to just move her hair away so that it doesn’t bother her enough to wake her up. But when his fingers grazed her cheek, he found himself lingering. His hand traitorously refused to move away.

Something began to build in the pit of his stomach, something unpleasant. He furrowed his brow, staring at her sleeping form.

She didn’t look much older than him. She’d always had a babyface, and the personality of a baby. It was hard to believe she was the older one out of both of them.

“I hate you,” he whispered. His index finger moved on its own, running along the top of her cheek. “You’re the worst. You never ask me anything about myself. You’re always doing whatever you want, being a second-rate cop in a town where the police has no use. You’re probably putting yourself in harm’s way without a second thought, because you always did that, and you never think about yourself when someone else is in trouble. You’re probably showing that side to the men who work with you and making them want to protect you. You’re probably making them love you while you run head-first into some hopeless goal of saving Shinjuku. You’re vile like that. Never a thought for how much misery you’re putting someone else through.”

He couldn’t stop the words from coming. “You don’t tell me anything about your day. You don’t ask me anything about my day. You never think about how worried I am because you always get into trouble, and you’re so soft that you always get taken advantaged of, and you just attract bad guys. It’s always Shinjuku this and welfare of the citizens that for you... God, I hate you.”

*****

“...hate you.”

*****

He watched as her eyes opened groggily. She might’ve heard everything he said, and he might just curl up and die. He made a promise with himself to never let her have a free ticket to forgiveness or understanding his feelings. If she knew how he felt, she could easily just apologize with tears in her eyes, and he’d never forgive himself for forgiving her.

Tears did water in her eyes though. He watched grimly.

“Ka...zuki?” She asked. “Happy birthday.”

His lips were set in a thin line as he willed himself not to react. He could feel his self-control slipping at the sight of her wide, relieved eyes. Was he always such a sap? Probably.

“I didn’t ask you to take a day off,” he clipped.

“I wanted to. We always…” Her words trailed off. He knew she’d say that they did that every year, and he knew she stopped herself because every year he told her not to do it next year. This was finally the year where he made good of that statement.

She looked down, causing the the water welling up in her eyes to drip down her cheek. Almost immediately, she brought her hand up to wipe it off, masquerading it as her scratching an itch.

She sighed, sounding more worn than she ever had. A shot of guilt went down his throat in a quiet swallow. He looked away.

“I know you hate me. I know I don’t pay attention to you and that I don’t act like a sister should. I’ve been so caught up in my work ever since Adonis— no, that’s just an excuse. Kazuki, I don’t want to pretend like things are okay between us when they’re not. I know I’ve— “

He slammed his hand on the table, causing her to flinch.

“There you go again, making it all about you. Everything is always your fault, isn’t it? Everything is because of you.”

“I didn’t mean— “

“What if I chose to become the way I am, huh?”

Her gaze trembled as she forced herself to meet his furious eyes. “I-I’m sorry.”

“That sorry might have mended something four years ago,” he cut bitterly.

“Why…” He hesitated. His eyes closed. “Why did it take you this long to confront me?”

There was a tense silence. He didn’t open his eyes.

“I was scared,” she said. He scoffed. “I was scared that I was so useless. Your big sister couldn’t do anything right. I already found what I want to do with my life, but you… You’re so young. You have so much potential.”

Her voice sounded broken. He never wanted her to sound like that. No matter how much he wanted her to repent, he’d never wanted to hear her break in front of him.

“You don’t deserve to live in the middle of this chaos. You don’t deserve to prepare for every day to be possibly your last. You should be able to leave the house without having to tell me because you’d never be in danger. You shouldn’t be trapped in this town. You deserve so much more, and I… your big sister couldn’t give it to you. I’m so sorry, Kazuki.”

He didn’t realise when he was clenching his fist, but they had already lost feeling. He couldn’t look at her.

She didn’t say what he wanted her to say. At least then he could be angry at how predictable it all turned out. She didn’t apologize for what he wanted her to.

But she told him everything he needed to hear.

When he opened his eyes, he could see it. All her anxiety and regret and sorrow were clear on her face. She never let him see this. She never even looked sad in front of him. But he could see it now, how much it ate at her and how much she blamed herself for things that were out of her control.

Her shoulders looked so small. Maybe that was how they truly were, and she had been hiding it all this time. It stung like hell, seeing how helpless she was.

It stung worse because he knew he could have eased some of the burden for her. He could have been a better brother. He could have reassured her that he didn’t hate her. Yet, he didn’t do any of that. He always knew he’d regret it, but not this much.

Especially now, when all he wanted to do was to pull her into his chest and shoulder some of the burden. The wall he built between them was too high. He couldn’t reach over when she needed it. This must have been how she felt, unable to reach out to him for all these years.

“For the last time, it's not your fault,” he said thickly. “Stop treating me like a kid.”

What he wanted to say must have come through with those words, because her tears stopped.

“Just to be clear, I don’t forgive you. It’s going to stop you from apologizing correctly if your head is always wrapped around useless shit like that. Maybe figure out why I’m mad first before you jump to crazy conclusions next time.”

“Y-Yes. I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent like that.”

He sighed. “Are you going to light the candles or cry all night? I have school tomorrow.”

She blinked, as if remembering the reason why she was here in the first place. “Oh! Oh, right, I’m sorry!” She pulled a lighter from beside the table and lit the candles.

He crossed his arms, looking unimpressed. “Why are you looking at me like that?” He asked.

“Well, I was wondering if you’d be okay with me singing the birthday song…?”

“Do what you want.”

And she did, She was always tone deaf, so he knew exactly what he got himself into when he let her sing for him. Even though it was so bad, the sight of her happy singing and clapping managed to worm its way into his chest, making a strange warmth settle there.

When she finished, he shook his head. “That was terrible,” he said, to her chagrin. He blew out the candles as she protested that she wasn’t that bad.

“What’d you wish for?” She asked.

“Idiot, as if I’d tell you,” he said.

As if he’d ever tell her that he wished that her burdens would disappear so that he’d never see her like that again. As if he wished for her smile to come back, the one she had before Adonis appeared. And it wasn’t as if he wished to beat down the guy behind Adonis with his bare fists til even the police couldn’t recognize him anymore.

She smiled though, as if she knew something he didn’t. It irritated him.

“Don’t worry, Kazuki. Whatever it is, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it come true.”

At that time, he didn’t know how serious she was.

**Author's Note:**

> okay so I had to get this off my chest. I know I'm not the only one loving kazuki's edgy ass tsundere act (or maybe I am idk). not beta'd, but I checked for spelling errors lol. read at your own ok. if anyone out there (poor soul) wants me to continue with my shitassery, tell me in the reviews or this will just remain a one shot haha


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